i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
a search helicopter?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
