....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
