mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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