The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
