So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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