dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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