maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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