I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
