Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize