I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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