i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
