They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
