if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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