I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
