sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
