Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
