I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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