i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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