we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
