Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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