So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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