I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize