I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you traded sex for a burrito?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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