Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
