Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
