Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
