I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
