dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
