What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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