you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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