I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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