You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
