HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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