Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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