The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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