Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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