remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
