can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
