you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
