you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
