I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize