So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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