the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
