There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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