i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
