Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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