Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
