And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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