Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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