help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
