I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
