I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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