So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
you made out with another girl for some wings
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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