im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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