Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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