she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
