My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
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